When Pain Becomes Trust

Hello!

Something that has become very apparent to me is how our world could use more honesty. Social media, the news, and TV shows all seem to gloss over the truth. On social media, we only seem to see the good in everybody’s lives. The news only tells us what they want us to know. TV shows may be “reality”, but how much of it is really scripted?

So today, I want to share a little about me. I want to be completely raw with you and share my personal testimony of my walk with God. It hasn’t been a straight and narrow path. I have gone off on unpaved territory. I have strayed away from the path God laid out for me more times than I can count. Over the past couple weeks, if you haven’t noticed, I hadn’t written a blog post. I just kept thinking that this is something I should do, but I struggled with how to express who I have been and who I am now without feeling completely vulnerable. (Then as if I hadn’t already felt God gently pushing me to finish this, on Saturday, the pastor of my church required a group of us to share our personal testimonies with a class we are taking in a few weeks!) But in order to be real with people about your walk with God, you have to open yourself up to those vulnerabilities. So here goes nothing…

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God has used the relationships in my life to bring me closer to Him. Through the loss and heartbreak in my life, God has shown me that no matter how I am hurt or betrayed by others here on Earth, I can ALWAYS trust in Him. He ALWAYS has my back and has the best of intentions for me.

Growing up, I turned to my Papa as a fatherly figure. My Papa was an amazing man who loved and feared God. From him, I had a great example of a strong Christian and I was raised going to church. So as a young teenager, I knew that God had me. He knew where I needed to be in life and I trusted Him to take care of me. When my Papa passed away though, I was left feeling like I had a big part of me taken away. I couldn’t understand how such a big, powerful God could take my Papa away. I fell into depression at 16 and strayed away from what I knew to be right.

Fast forward four years, I met a man who I fell for and married at 21. Though the marriage did not last, this man did one good thing for me. He was the first person to encourage me to be baptized. So at 21, I took a huge step in my faith to be baptized. Shortly after, when my ex and I parted ways, I, again, struggled to understand why a loving God would take someone away from me that I loved and cared about. So, again, I went into a dark place, where I was no longer seeking the Lord’s love.

Throughout the next several years, I would attend church periodically, but was not putting my faith in God. I did not feel like I could trust Him when all I kept experiencing was hurt. I felt like all the men in my life that were supposed to be there for me, were taken away from me, though in different manners. I couldn’t fathom trusting God when he was allowing this to happen to me time and time again.

At the age of 25, I married my amazing husband. We began going to church together and were really trying to get our lives on track with God. At this point though, we were betrayed in a way I never wish anyone to experience. We were both so hurt by what happened, that our first year of marriage was really rocky. We hurt one another because of the pain we experienced from the betrayal. I, personally, couldn’t see how I could really ever trust anyone again.

Slowly though, with a lot of prayer, attending church regularly, and reading my Bible, I have come to realize that no matter what happens in my mortal life, God has a plan. I may have bobbed and weaved through this journey. I’ve missed a lot of signs God has given me. At the end of the day though, I am finally walking the path He had intended for me. It just took me a little longer to find it!

Through the relationships I have been in that left me hurting and betrayed, I realized that even though the people in my life may hurt me, I can ALWAYS trust Him. He has been there with me throughout these trying times when I felt all alone. When I was crying out, He heard every single sob and saw every single tear that fell down my cheek. I was never really alone. Once I realized and accepted this in my heart, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I have truly forgiven people that I felt I could never forgive. I have learned to praise God and trust in Him when times are good, but also when they are bad. God is good ALL THE TIME!

So until next time,

Okie Mom

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